Places I will Never Visit (Even If You Paid Me in Tacos)

Easy: the inside of a porta potty at a music festival… on the third day… in the middle of summer. I’m convinced whatever’s in there has achieved sentience and is plotting against humanity.

But if we’re talking more globally? Probably that remote island in the Arctic where it’s dark for six months straight and the only residents are polar bears and frostbite. I mean, I love a good hoodie, but I draw the line at needing thermal underwear just to check the mail.

Honestly, any place where the local delicacy is “fermented anything” and there’s a risk of being chased by large birds—I’m good, thanks.

There’s a whole planet of palm trees, pizza, and places with decent Wi-Fi. I’ll start there.